July 29, 2020

Time has lost its orderliness; weeks, days, hours merge and blend. I am unable to unscramble them. My tendency to organize and categorize has lost its importance as I surrender. I don’t seem to care what day or hour or particular moment in time it is. After decades of trying to live in the moment I am inadvertently actually living in the moment. Floating in an abundance of unstructured time I find myself lost in the that moment. At times I slip into long-standing behavior, ruminating about past grievances and future worries. Worries aggravated and magnified by the pandemic’s ominous effects blanketing concerns of climate change, racial issues, neo-fascism, the ever expanding ugly side of capitalism, military excess, police brutality and the injustice of our politically, financially, self-promoting dog and pony show legal system - which clearly has little to do with truth and justice - as I have experienced at a visceral level. I am tired of the self-promoting dishonesty of academia ranging from research manipulation to outright fraud manifest in the dangerous relatively unrestrained greedy behavior of Big Pharma that contributed to the death of my first wife of twenty years and directly caused the unnecessary death of my healthy mother.

I am acutely aware of the hypocrisy, self-centered, oftentimes malevolent behavior of humans absent kindness, brotherhood and support in crisis. I am energized by the miracle and bounty of my garden, the animals and beauty of nature where I am so happy to be immersed.

I miss much of my old normal: personal contact with my friends, sharing a meal in person, sharing a drink in person, intimate, private moments in person. I miss volunteering, donating my surgical skill and ability abroad. I would be happy to never see another self-centered person not wearing a mask or wearing a mask under their nose or chin, putting others at risk.

I have deep gratitude. Gratitude for my health. Gratitude for the health and loving supportive relationships I have with my wife, my family and my friends. Gratitude for my pets, birds, nature and the multitude of disparate life experiences that I have lived.